The Twelve Days of Pirate Christmas

On the twelfth day of Christmas
My true love gave to me …
12 ships to plunder,
11 cannons firing,
10 crewmen leaping,
9 sharks a’ swimming,
8 rum-filled bottles,
7 lusty wenches,
6 jolly rogers,
5 gold doubloons,
4 eyepatches,
3 earrings,
2 wooden legs,
And a parrot on my shoulder – Arrr!

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Thanks for reading! Stay tuned for “The Adventures of Baby Jesus.”


Goodnight Porn

With apologies to fans of “Goodnight Moon”, here’s a bedtime story for naughty boys …

In a dank little room
There was a computer
And a very large screen
And wallpaper of –

Two people bathing but not being clean

And a hard drive with bad girls posing in thongs

And two pouty lips
And an assortment of whips

And widgets with feathers
And midgets in leather

And brunettes and blondes with back-breaking knockers

And some creepy old neighbor using high-powered binoculars

Goodnight lust

Goodnight porn

Goodnight two people bathing but not being clean

Goodnight computer
And the very large screen
Goodnight bad girls
Goodnight thongs

Goodnight lips

And goodnight whips

Goodnight Asians
And goodnight Caucasians

Goodnight widgets with feathers

And goodnight midgets in leather

Goodnight brunettes
And goodnight blondes

Goodnight fantasies

Goodnight knockers

And goodnight creepy old neighbor using high-powered binoculars

Goodnight naked

Goodnight bare

Goodnight nude women everywhere

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Thanks for reading! Stay tuned for “Showgirls 2: A Christmas Story” as Ralphie’s Christmas is ruined when Nomi’s tongue freezes to the stripper pole.

Review: Zombie Apocalypse

Hope you didn’t stay home today expecting the Zombie Apocalypse. It was an epic failure.

It started after 5 p.m. while it was still daylight. Instead of a large horde moving slowly down the middle of the street, as shown in the documentaries, they all stayed on the sidewalks in small groups and went door-to-door. There wasn’t any slow movement or moaning from them at all – just a lot of running and giggling.

A bunch of them knocked on my door. I was surprised that they were very short in person. I was surprised that they spoke. I was surprised that they asked for candy and not my brain. When I waved my arms and screamed at them to fight them off, they just started to cry and ran away.

Finally, as darkness approached, instead of staging one large assault on the neighborhood, they just seemed to wander off or got into cars and appeared to be driven home.

Hope the undead put together a better plan if they want to overthrow society next year.

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Thanks for reading! Stay tuned as “Unsuccessful Younger Brothers” looks at the life of Nostrildamus.

Ray’s Death Rays

Atomic Funhouse is pleased to welcome our first sponsor.

Whether you’re planning global destruction or just stuck in traffic, let Ray’s Death Rays be the first stop for all your death ray needs.

Visit our showroom and see the latest brand names. We have death rays large enough for your secret lair, medium sized models for family reunions and styles small enough to deal with bosses, co-workers and school bullies.

And coming soon is the Apple iDeathRay. Play music, surf the Web and vaporize your friends.

Remember, there’s no paperwork or pesky waiting period to deal with. Stop in at Ray’s Death Rays today!

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Thanks for reading! Coming up: we’ll take a look at a common household product that could be a choking hazard to children and the elderly – doorknobs.

Last Laugh

Everyone here in The Funhouse has said their goodbyes. Now it’s my turn.

Thanks to for giving us a home to post our lunacy.

Thanks to my fellow cast members and hardworking crew. It’s been an honor to work with and be associated with you.

Thanks to every single one of our readers. We couldn’t have been here this long without your loyalty. Thank you all so very much!

An extra-special thanks to my family and friends for your love and support. I truly appreciate having all of you in my life.

Ok … we’re turning off the lights and locking the doors.

And so it ends.

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One final time – Thanks for reading! Stay tuned for “Finny” – the heartwarming story of a boy and his carp.